Just like every day, my night was full of dreams. Random ones. The bedroom looked brighter and I was still sleeping, hugging my pillow, blanket under my knees when I heard a faded voice in my ears, ”mumma, can you please get up…” a couple of more times and I moved to the other side, and see her standing, touching her chin to the mattress, that s the tallest she can be from the floor to the bed. She looks at me and again, “mumma, can you please get up.” I slept at 2 last night which is about when I sleep every day. But yesterday was a long day. Anishka had turned three this week and we had a long list of friends we hadn’t invited over to our new house we bought last year. So looking at our tight schedules, we threw a house warming cum bday party to be done with it all at once. I could feel the stress in my back and my joins when I moved. I wanted to sleep more and was about to tell her that when she goes, “I’m sad beciz you are not getting up.” And so I got up.
I keep wondering where the kids get their energy from. She probably had a longer day than me yesterday. She climbed more stairs up and down than me, ran more yards than me and ate a lot less than me. But she is still fresh this morning and I have yawned a few hundred times in the last 30 minutes since I woke up. But I think it’s the guilty feeling of a working mom of ignoring her baby that made me follow what she wants me to. After all its just the weekends that she gets with me.
I played with her for some time, and not long before the anxiety kicks in again. I have an exam on Thursday, and I haven’t prepared at all. I need to study. I should be studying now. And I start getting cranky. I try and study at home but I can’t. It’s too much disturbance, and so off to barnes and nobles I go. As soon as I reach there, I start thinking about home. What will she be doing, is she crying, is she missing me, would she have eaten. And I get restless. Should I go home and study. I could have been there in one corner and focused on my chapters while she could still see me and smile. Oh what a bad mom am I? Is there any end to these feelings, will there be some moment when I will be where I am. Will there be a time when I can live the moment and not worry about what I should be doing rather. And I pick a few books about inspiration, life and the purpose.
It seems like most of the times, it’s not the clock time we lack, but the mental time. When there is so much to do and everything is a priority, you can’t help resisting the choices you are forced to make because it turns out no matter what you pick, you would have made a bad choice. And there is never enough mental time in the civil world of marriage. As they say in Yoga, Shavasana (the sleeping pose) is the hardest thing to do because you can idle your body but it takes real effort to idle your mind. And that’s what is needed to cope up with the emotional struggles a working mom faces every moment.